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November 11th, 2010

Today was better :)

Lost another pound. I'm happy about that. At this rate I'll be at my first goal weight in a week :D

The bad news- a few night ago my dad finally got me my chocolate soymilk but it wasnt the low caloried kind I drink, but I drank it anyway (120 calories and 1 1/2 gram of fat per 8oz) and I ended up drinking almost all of it. I felt so bad- I felt like I was going to gain a bunch of weight, like I had just had 10 milk shakes or something, so I purged it all and didnt clean all of it up from the bottom of the seat (i thought I did) and my step sisters bf saw it the next morning so she asked me point blank again if I've been throwing up. There was no way to deny it, so I said yes- that was my first time in a year and that I could never do it again. Ughh. So awkward. I know... I KNOW she told my dad. I hope he didn't tell my mom about it... I don't want to break her heart again.

Another sleepless night?

I swear, I get more sleep in after school than the night before. I went ahead and just did my make up for tomorrow morning because when I do that it only takes 10 minutes to get ready. This is probably terrible for my skin though.

It's kind of sad when all you have to look forward to in your life is a new pack of cigarettes, coffee, therapy sessions and flying back home to see your family (and mom and puppy that you miss so much). I've only been back once since I moved and I hadn't slept so sound or felt so content since I dont even remember. I even attempted to eat almost normally without purging! I've never been so homesick in my life. Is this what growing up and starting a life feels like? If so, I don't want it. I think I'd rather get so sick and emaciated that I'd have no choice but to live with my mom for a while. I just want her to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright.

I feel like a fat failure today. I don't even feel that hungry or light headed. Lets see... I've had:

1 box or raisins: 120 cals 1.5g fat
2 table spoons? (maybe one in a half) of light ranch: 70 cals ?g fat
10 baby carrots: 20 cals 0g far
1 can of green beans 70 cals?
2 now and laters
2 bites of rice (purged)

OMG 280 calories (not counting the now and laters)? Are you kidding me, thats the most I've had in like 2 weeks :( if i gain a pound in the morning i'll be pissed. I've been losing a pound a day and having 150 to 200 calories a day and I'm trying to keep it that way. Ughh. Tomorrow- no rice. We're out of green beans, i dont have any money to buy raisins and I'll have mustard with my carrots instead of ranch. I have a glass or 2 or skim milk left and that usually supresses my appetite. The candy i'm not too worried about because it's mainly sugar and I need the energy (plus its easy to burn off). I know I didnt do bad today at all, but compared to how I've been doing I'm very upset with myself. I need to make a schedule to go by everyday. At least I'll feel like I have some structure. I'm going crazy. Really nervous about the week of thanksgiving.  I need sleep.

November 9th, 2010

So... I've been eating maybe 200 calories a day? Probably more like 100. I've been having so much trouble keeping anything down. I discovered something with actual flavor the other day -baby carrots and light ranch. But I can't eat too much of it and keep it down. Same goes for ice berg lettus wth light ranch.

I begged my dad for light chocolate soymilk because the only kind I care for is 60 calories for 8oz and I don't feel bad drinking it- BUT he came back with this organic kind that is 120 calories for a cup and I'm like... wtf am I supposed to do with this? I know liquids arent a big deal if they are fairly high calorie, and especially when it's only a gram and a half of fat- but I can't keep it down. It's gone now, and idk how much I actually kept down. I might as well eat crap if I'm going to keep purging (pizza rolls, toast, cereal i should just eat that shit) but i just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm going crazyyyy! Who does this? Oatmeal is only 130 calories a packet, 1.5 grams of fat? I'm just so scared to try and eat it... I'm sick of purging. If I wanted to wake up feeling like shit everyday, I'd finish off the only wine we have that I like.

In other news- I have my weekly therapist appointment in 2 and a half hours... I should probably be getting ready for that. I wonder if she'll notice the weight loss? Can you notice 5 pounds? I'm on my period so maybe it will be harder. I told her I had purged twice last time. Ha. Twice my ass. More like every day... I hated myself right after I said it. Her specialty is eating disorders (i think she even worked at Renfrew?) so she'll prolly know whats up. I really do like her though, she's so nice. I hate lying. She's going to ask me if I have and I don't know what the hell I'm going to say. She's going to ask me about restricting- how does this sound "Well, I'm restricting myself to carrots, lettus, light ranch and a few veggie straws a day, but I usually just purge it all. I'll have a few gulps of skim milk if I'm feeling too scared. I can keep my coffee down though, coffee and cigarettes are the high point of my day.Oh, and of course, the coffee's always black"

OK- NO. I don't think I can say the truth, now that I've read it. Ughhhh.

And my biggest predicament lately, and what I (and I'm sure alot of people here) have been stressing over- THANKSGIVING =/
my case is a little different though, but I'll elaborate on that later.

This was a really random and pointless post btw- I just don't have anyone else to talk about it and I feel like it's safer here than in a book in my dresser.

Also,I've been reading alot, and I read that alot of bulimics after a while end up anorexic- I struggled with bulimia (never large incriments of food, but everything I was craving) back in 10th grade. I'm in the middle of senior year now and everything is changing. I thought everything was over... but now that I look back it was only sleeping. This move 20 hours away from home and missing my mother terribly and hating life definatly hasnt helped the situation either... =/ unfortunately- I don't just think things will go "back to normal" when I move back.

This is hell. 

Can I be normal please?

Oh, and one more thing- I didnt feel like going to school today. But my step mom was here when I woke up. Idk why she wasn't at school... anyway- I walked in the bathroom and the seat was flipped up and to my horendous discovery- there was the aftermath of my chocolate soymilk I didn't see to clean up. I'm sorry this is totally disgusting. But I just hope my step sisters BF (he's staying with us this week) thought it was something else... he's the only guy to use that bathroom and my step-sister wouldn't have seen it bc she left this morning. My step-mom looked irritated when I woke up though. She doesn't like me. That's a whole other story though.

July 30th, 2010

This is my first day of 2468 (I've never even tried this diet before, but I'm sooooo excited :D) I'm going biking tonight too, I would now, but I have problems breathing when it's this hot out. I really need to cut back on the smoking -_- I'm sure that's why.

I wouldn't have had that 105 calories but my mom brought home a cookie for me from subway on her lunch break and asked me to eat outside with her, so I ate half the cookie and went inside and left half on the counter. She asked why I didn't eat it all and I said I can't handle anything like that after I first wake up (which she knows is true). She was acting so weird though. It was like 20 questions right after I first woke up. Very annoying. I love her though.

So I guess I'm going to get a shower, go buy some smokes, then come home and clean before our family arrives. I hope we're not having dinner or something, it will be pretty late I think, they're going to the comedy club. I can't go =/ you have to be 18. Ughhh! 3 months away!

June 24th, 2010

My wasp in a jar

Im getting to be all too familiar with this dizzy feeling again... I keep thinking maybe im just dehydrated, but idk. I had roughly 600 calories yesterday, and didnt get a chance to work off but about maybe 200 of it.

I"ve burned everything off for today on the stair stepper today and im trying to find something else to do. I guess working out is always a fine choice.

Im also starting to realize how difficult it is for me to do cardio since I've been smoking since i started high school and im just now noticing the effects. oh well. this makes me not want to smoke as much :)

how is everyone doing today?

June 22nd, 2010

New Start

Hey there gals (and guys?). I used to have an account but I quit logging in for a while due to privacy issues and then I just never logged in at all and then i just forgot my username and password so I created a new account.

Anyway- my life has been a little crazy lately and turned basicly upside down, so I've been trying to keep my cool. I don't want to get into anything lengthy righ now, im exhausted, but im realllyyyy hoping to talk to some really great people on here and connect. this is the first time in my life where I've been so anxious and scared that I only want tofocus on getting thin and being perfect.

My stats

height: 5'5
age: 17 (18 on october 26th 2010!)
hw: 130
lw: 111
cw: 117
gw 1: 111
gw: 100
ugw: 85

so anyway... thats a little bit about me. 


Well, another 4 hours unknowingly went by during another one of my naps. I knew that would happen. It's because I threw up again today =/ I felt horible doing it too, you have to believe me. It was the fourth time in the past week. Before this week I haven't purged since before last Thanksgiving. Now I can't eat anything without knowing I'll just purge it and I guess as far as losing weight thats a good thing, but I have to eat dinner with my mom tonight, and I won't get a chance to throw it up without her finding out. I told her that I stopped and Im pretty sure she believes me. I told her I stopped since Thanksgiving last year.

I feel like shit today!!!!!

I had a horrible dream when I was napping. I felt anxious and guilty and sorry and just terrible in the dream and my mom was crying in it and I just felt so sorry for all this shit that has been going on these past few weeks. I wish it would all go away. But I think it should be better once I move- although I feel guilty for that too. It's hard enugh feeling guilty for the choices I've made and putting my parents through hell, and eating doesn't help my situation. The least I can do for myself is not eat. That cuts back on some guilt at least- unless my mom wants me to eat, then I feel guilty for myself if I do eat. This is such a mess. Why do I need to smoke pot to not feel like this? I've stopped smoking pot and doing drugs but It really hasn't been for my best interest, because my ED has just gotten worse...ohh so much worse. It's such a burden, it really is.

I know for a fact my ED won't get better...(it will actually get pretty bad, I can see it) once I move into my dads. I already feel competition with Dyana and could hardly eat when I went down there nthis past weekend. She used to be a size zero, but she gained a little weight, and now she's my size. I can't let her be the thinner one, I HAVE to be. And I'll have access to both pools and the workout room. And they don't pay as much attention to me as my mom does since it's both just us living in one house where at my dads there will be four people. And I get the loft to myself- secluded in the upper level of the apartment. Not t mention I haven't had meat in for years and I don't eat alot of carbs or fat anymore while Dyana lovessss and eats only meat and other carby cuban food.that her mother makes for her. I really wish my sister was staying, but she's moving next week. She's too home sick.

I hope I don't get home sick, Im definatly not known for it. I don't think I've been home sick since I was in the 1st grade, I've always been awaw from "home" because I've always been traveling with my Dad. IDK- I guess we'll find out won't we? However bad I feel... I can always channel it into restricting and excercising. I always have been a firm believer in channeling your negative energy into something productive.

But anyway- mom is on her way. I have to slice the vegetables and pre-heat the oven.
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