So... I've been eating maybe 200 calories a day? Probably more like 100. I've been having so much trouble keeping anything down. I discovered something with actual flavor the other day -baby carrots and light ranch. But I can't eat too much of it and keep it down. Same goes for ice berg lettus wth light ranch.
I begged my dad for light chocolate soymilk because the only kind I care for is 60 calories for 8oz and I don't feel bad drinking it- BUT he came back with this organic kind that is 120 calories for a cup and I'm like... wtf am I supposed to do with this? I know liquids arent a big deal if they are fairly high calorie, and especially when it's only a gram and a half of fat- but I can't keep it down. It's gone now, and idk how much I actually kept down. I might as well eat crap if I'm going to keep purging (pizza rolls, toast, cereal i should just eat that shit) but i just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I'm going crazyyyy! Who does this? Oatmeal is only 130 calories a packet, 1.5 grams of fat? I'm just so scared to try and eat it... I'm sick of purging. If I wanted to wake up feeling like shit everyday, I'd finish off the only wine we have that I like.
In other news- I have my weekly therapist appointment in 2 and a half hours... I should probably be getting ready for that. I wonder if she'll notice the weight loss? Can you notice 5 pounds? I'm on my period so maybe it will be harder. I told her I had purged twice last time. Ha. Twice my ass. More like every day... I hated myself right after I said it. Her specialty is eating disorders (i think she even worked at Renfrew?) so she'll prolly know whats up. I really do like her though, she's so nice. I hate lying. She's going to ask me if I have and I don't know what the hell I'm going to say. She's going to ask me about restricting- how does this sound "Well, I'm restricting myself to carrots, lettus, light ranch and a few veggie straws a day, but I usually just purge it all. I'll have a few gulps of skim milk if I'm feeling too scared. I can keep my coffee down though, coffee and cigarettes are the high point of my day.Oh, and of course, the coffee's always black"
OK- NO. I don't think I can say the truth, now that I've read it. Ughhhh.
And my biggest predicament lately, and what I (and I'm sure alot of people here) have been stressing over- THANKSGIVING =/
my case is a little different though, but I'll elaborate on that later.
This was a really random and pointless post btw- I just don't have anyone else to talk about it and I feel like it's safer here than in a book in my dresser.
Also,I've been reading alot, and I read that alot of bulimics after a while end up anorexic- I struggled with bulimia (never large incriments of food, but everything I was craving) back in 10th grade. I'm in the middle of senior year now and everything is changing. I thought everything was over... but now that I look back it was only sleeping. This move 20 hours away from home and missing my mother terribly and hating life definatly hasnt helped the situation either... =/ unfortunately- I don't just think things will go "back to normal" when I move back.
This is hell.
Can I be normal please?
Oh, and one more thing- I didnt feel like going to school today. But my step mom was here when I woke up. Idk why she wasn't at school... anyway- I walked in the bathroom and the seat was flipped up and to my horendous discovery- there was the aftermath of my chocolate soymilk I didn't see to clean up. I'm sorry this is totally disgusting. But I just hope my step sisters BF (he's staying with us this week) thought it was something else... he's the only guy to use that bathroom and my step-sister wouldn't have seen it bc she left this morning. My step-mom looked irritated when I woke up though. She doesn't like me. That's a whole other story though.